There are topical friends, 'friends' connected by a topic. Who had known each other through talking on a specific topic, and know almost nothing else about each other's lives.
Then there are friends who know you through the passing of time spent together, albeit a short few years. You know the personal details about their lives, family, aspirations and personalities. But you probably don't know their take on different topics, say the meaning of life, or the right way to butter one's bread.
And then there are those connected by blood; cousins siblings.
Today a cousin I invited on an errand/shopping trip gave me the vibes that she didn't not want to spend the day with me doing boring stuffs. Meaning. She didn't dislike it, else she wouldn't have come, but she didn't say she wanted to come either. Made me feel a little awkward. A little embarrassed. But like me, I always cover embarrassment in the first instance, whether it is mostly felt by me or the other person (I read the air and presume). I quickly made a passing comment and moved on. She passed on dinner as well, wanting to leave earlier than what I planned. But oh wells, what can I say.
My brother, I feel like I was trying to make conversation with him and it is always one-sided, unless if he needed anything. I brought him out for korean braised pork today, he was disappointed because it tasted like something we could buy from a chap fan store. Well, I think it is good enough for me, maybe I should have managed expectations better (but why on earth would I, for a dinner with my sibling). But can I just say, I picked him up, drove him there, looked for directions to the place (the mall was big), bought him a mask, paid for the parking ticket. I mean he should have at least offered to do any one of these things, but he didn't. The only thing he did was to ask for the waiter to tapao food, and to carry to tapau bag, both at my prompting, the latter with a snicker almost! I was super pissed but what can I say, it will only lead to a fight and him clamping up.
I felt super alone today, especially during the moment when my cousin said she didn't want in on dinner and when she rushed off towards the end of our shopping trip. And also when it was so difficult to ask my brother to do simple things like carry the tapau bag, or clear the dining table he used. I was with someone the whole day, but like Queen sang 'no escape from reality', there is no escaping the reality that I was alone and sad.
I guess things that would have made it better was if my cousin told me she didn't want to come at all today, it wouldn't be such a blow to my pride, that she subtly didn't care to spend time together and probably think I was boring and frugal (we looked at clothes and I thought a lot of them were expensive, but I was just window shopping anyway). I wish my brother would volunteer to do simple stuff, or if he doesn't want to bear the mental burden, then at least do what I ask him to good-naturedly. I really hate needing to craft conversations with him beforehand about chores in case he gets impatient. I also wish he would tell me if he disagrees with me, maybe we can talk it out gently, instead of him doing it grudgingly.
I really want to invest in people who doesn't invest back or at least appreciate it. Maybe I should use all these effort and time used to invest in unrequited relationships for 'selfish' means; to do what I want to do, work towards the future, do something I am passionate in, invest in a weird hobby, all to make myself a more interesting or wholesome person. In that way, I can more naturally attract people to reciprocate a relationship with me, I don't need to beg or be tossed away.
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