Girlpool

 I stumbled into Girlpool's video performing on Youtube and I have always came back since, every once in a while.

Their stark voices and the clean music were memorable. The lyrics are sort of dystopian, like the future society or feelings deep inside another person which I have not encountered before. So honest. Also can I say, their seriousness while performing was amazing. It gives the message that it is okay, it is good, it is cool, to put effort into the things you like and believe in, even if it is not the mainstream idea or style. There was the saying right, that if someone believes in something so much, it must be true to a certain extent, or you tend to trust what they say about it. Their seriousness in contrast to their outfit was also great.

Now onto the clothes, accessories and make-up. I also want to cut my fringe too short and perform. I also want to wear super different earrings on each ear and go out confidently. I also want to wear a bright red top paired with checkered pants and not care what people think. I want to wear that ring I got from a Christmas cracker on my pinky and be unashamed. The reddest lipstick. The sharpest voice in a karaoke room. Crazy rock perm with six bobby pins. Cheap shiny bead bracelets that kids wear. Their expressiveness wows me, their comfortableness liberates a part of me. 

You might say, just wear it and go out in the public. Yes, it is what happens in the ideal world *cough pun*. But for all my wishing, I also want to be not too weird and unaccepted by the people around me. The best position is to be closest to the fine line between quirky-but-still-normal and weird, but falling on this side of the line. And I figured the only way to end up there is to not care if people thinks you are weird. I am trying to think that, to not care what people think, but to care whether I express myself.

As always, my thoughts are too much emotions and too little logic so apologies if you did not follow. I doubt I would a few years down the road. But it just feels so real. 

Wholesome is the new cool

 Let me mourn for the end of my one-sided love.

How wonderful he is

He speaks with grace

He openly expresses his desire and willingness to spend time just to chat with people multiple times, it is not always he gets a wholesome yes and amen, but he keeps doing it. 

When someone says something theologically wrong, he nudges them to the right direction by asking gentle questions. 

He is humble, funny, wise and gentle, I honestly see no flaw in him, what a privilege it would be to date someone like him. 

I think what makes him even more attractive is that you can see a shadow of ego, anger and impatience in him when we chat as a group. You can see he thinks something that everyone else is thinking and it is probably easier to point out the obvious but hurtful thing, but he considers the situation and says something else which is the more encouraging and less belittling way to speak. 

There are some little things which irks me, but if he is at level 5, I am at level -99, so they are not even worth mentioning because they pale in comparison to what a wholesome being he is.

How it is clear he is not interested in me

He would not text me 

He does not keep looking 

How we are not a match in reality

"Only a mountain would know the core of another mountain" reads a Facebook post. 

Moreover, he articulates his thoughts well and he always has interesting thoughts. I struggle to come up with good points for discussion in chats and I articulate myself poorly 8/10 times, I believe it would frustrate him too. 

Therefore, I do not think I would be able to share his burdens even as a friend. I am not on par with the person he is, although all I want is for him to lean on me in his problems, I cannot offer advice or help that he would need. I am coming to terms with this reality.

How I have changed over the course of this five months

They say you mirror the people you like. 

People may say it is a fling, an infatuation. It could be. But the fact that the feelings remained over eight months and I still can't get over him totally hopefully speaks volume on my sincerity.

I would in fact rather not feel this way at all if I could help it because it pains me and makes me feel unattractive, as others who went through this must also have felt.  Maybe a lesson is to recognize my place and look only at people in my league? 

It seems sad to do this as I am sort of a dreamer but if it is the right thing to do, let me try to find my way through the crowd.

I have spread my dreams under your feet
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams

W. B. Yeats 

(this poem makes an appearance again)

He is a great guy, whoever gets him finds a treasure, I truly hope he can be happy. I am heartbroken but I commit it to the Lord anyway because He does not despise it. 

Wonder of the Stars

That's her name.

Today we had leftover hotpot food after our sleepover last night, and we talked about housemate problems. The topic of the time Stars and I were housemates in Manchester came up.

"I have said it so many times, and even wrote a note with a middle finger on it."

I was very surprised. I never knew she was so unhappy with us not cleaning the stove-top after use. When I asked her why didn't she let me know back then that she was so unhappy about it, she said the above statement. During uni, it never crossed my mind that someone should put her foot down on a particular place in the house to be clean but not be as strict everywhere else, and totally thought of it as a joke. In my memory, the handwriting on the note was scrawly and ugly, like it was meant for a joke. The middle finger, she said back then was drawn by Housemate A. She herself even clarified then that the finger was a fourth finger, not the middle finger. Years later, I still brought it up as a joke in memes on insta, saying her favorite chore was to clean the stove-top. Only until today, when she said that seriously out loud did I realise- she meant it. She said she told us many times, but the strongest memory I have of her telling us that, was ever only in passing, and thereby forming a faint memory as I did not know it mattered so much to her. 

"I always threw the rubbish. It was me so many times. After doing it continuously for a few times, I gave up and stopped caring like everyone else."

Funny, because in my memory I felt that way too. That it was always me and then I stopped caring. I did not tell her that today, because if she felt that way then, she felt that way, and I should understand. I said instead, I wished she told me at that time, it would have been so helpful to set rules if more than one person wants things to be clean. She (and others present) said she shouldn't have needed to say anything, it should have been common sense. I also added that our house (or rather I) did try to do the tick-when-you-throw system, she laughed sarcastically, saying it never worked. Even if we went back in time, how could we have solved this problem, when the only solution offered was not supported, and no one else offered any other solutions?

(Refute this: She never mentioned that I was good at throwing out rubbish too, truly I never remembered that she was good at throwing out rubbish until she said today, but I accept that if that is what she remembers. How can she expect people to know that she is throwing continuously, when she herself did not realize I was doing the same? On the top of my head, I only ever not throw when the bin outside is full, or when I think Housemate A has been throwing very few times lately.)

I said: "I am very glad we still maintained as good friends after staying together as housemates. Do you remember people warning us that good friends shouldn't live together..."

She said: "Exactly, many people said that. That is why I did not stay with YN."

The Inside-Me jumped back in shock, but Outside-Me did not change in expression, my stare on her just lingered for few extra seconds. I thought of her as a good friend, our circle of friends here in KL (my only circle) the best friends I have now. I believe a word spoken impromptu reveals true feelings. Today I know we are not good friends. I dared not covet best friends titles in life generally, but good friends I think people can have quite a few. Apparently I did not make that cut. I have always thought she was colder to me than others in all our previous circles up till now, but I always blamed my boring self for that. (I have heard from a crush and a cousin that I was boring and I accepted that, though I hated being told that.) I told myself, of course people wouldn't voluntarily chat, or enjoy spending time one-to-one with boring people, I tried not to mind it, I can still believe she is trying her best to be good friends though she cannot stand my dullness. 

I was very hurt, and struggled immediately to smooth things over so things would not be awkward in the conversation. She offered no smoothing, no apology, no clarification. Only a wide eye indicating she may have spoken carelessly. She may have been looking at me more after that when we chatted, but unless you say something, I cannot unthink what I heard. She did not try to salvage the moment. Which meant we were never good friends. What imagination, what wasted affections. I recalled that Seanny mentioned to me once that ZX (another friend in the circle) 'guessed she was close friends with me' when asked. It was obvious he was trying not to hurt me but wants to make sure I know that maybe others don't think of me as I do them. I struggled to respond to him that time too, as I was upset. And in this case, I was closer than Stars than to ZX. A tear rolled down after they left. 

Today is the first day after CMCO. Today is also the day I decided to give up being imaginary good friends with this circle.

Don't get me wrong, I sent them off amicably.

I would have tried to make amends to Stars after today's conversation about cleanliness as I did not know how she felt. But hearing that we were never good friends woke me up. She was a great friend, for sending flowers when she could not attend my graduation and sending a cake during my birthday. But unfortunately she does not think of me as dearly as I do her. And it is high time I came to terms with it. I should not try to bend over backwards to achieve something that is not meant to be. 

As for my other friends in the circle, there were always passing remarks in our group hinting that I wanted to chat with them more than the other way round. I did want to chat with them very much. They were my closest friends. I tried not to think they don't think the same way in the past. But if they do not feel the desire to call me up, if they have friends to visit every weekend and I am just one of them, maybe these friendships are not worth investing in as much as I thought. I invested in a sense that in my mind, they will remain my closest friends, no matter which circle I go into moving forward, they have a special place in my heart. I also invested in gestures. I did not mention it to them, but I cleaned my house for a day and a half before they came to sleepover, even though they never confirmed if they were going to stay the night. (ZX only told me she was not going to stay over when she arrived. She was the one to suggest it in the first place.) My right arm ached when I slept because of all the cleaning, but I still washed all the dishes that night after hotpot and early the next morning, though washing dishes was not my hobby, I said to myself as I did it, it was unto the Lord, and I was serving my friends. If caring for a friend is absorbing the difference between what actually happened in your view and what friends see, it is a painful punch to absorb, and I cared a hell lot (see References for examples). 

I shall put these still wonderful beings, but who sadly could not reciprocate my desire for closeness, into the category of 'good time friends'. I will not be initiating more chats/events from this point forward, they are welcome to my house if they need a place to hang, but we should preferably hang out outside as I need to clean before and after they come (obvs they don't offer to sweep and mop). I will give as much as I receive. This sounds contrary to the Bible but it is what I think is best at this moment, (dear God please renew my mind if I am going down the wrong way). I am choosing to find valuable things to invest time and life into, instead of hanging to see if they will one day turn around and be appreciative. 

References (examples): 

1. Prior to hotpot day, I asked did not pushed for people to confirm whether they are staying over AND cleaned anyway because I don't want them to feel like forced. I sacrificed 1.5 days for what they could easily go to waste by saying 'no' on the day of. If we are keeping track of things to know by common sense without needing to say anything, this will be on it. 

2. I knew I could lead the conversation so that they say I am a cleaner person now than before, but I did not because I know they enjoy making fun of me being messy while in uni. They did not compliment on how my house is cleaner, but made jokes out of expired foods in the fridge. They don't have the slightest idea even now that I am annoyed because I did not want them to be uncomfortable.

3. With regards to point 2, CW was not super clean in uni as well; the stairs in her house was full of hair, but I never brought it up no matter how many times she mentioned me and my messy ways because I know it will hurt her pride.  

一辛一弈

怎么会有一部戏主角三位心里明亮，聪明伶俐，向往理想世界，全剧终时依然初心未改却离了心、凄凉落幕。

宁弈追求的是全方面的理想。他想成为一代明君，但看到朝纲因御史台一职空悬而霍乱，即便很有可能会让他失去储君的机会他也要挺身而出。对他而言若为了以后当皇上而现在不顾朝纲霍乱，何谓明君。  当凤知微因女扮男装、欺君罔上、步入朝堂快死到临头时，宁弈冒着得罪陛下的风险为她求情，又冒生命危险提议带她去闵海剿除逆贼。因为若保不住自己心爱之人，何谓明君。当看到母妃还活着，不惜自贬放弃王位的宁弈在想什么我还真的不知道。兴许他做的每一个选择都要对得起心里的明亮之处，就算不合走向王位的路线但只要他觉得对，他就会做。宁弈也是个决绝的人。沾染一丝恶意、叛逆之心，或做过伤害他所爱的人，他都要铲除。比如韶宁，比如王顺仪。他的想法是只有扫清所有作恶之人，才能让所有正义的人留下来。他的决绝虽可怕，但也令人感叹。（也许是感叹这做到的话真有可能让所有好人留下吗）

辛子砚是宁弈的知己，一心扶持他成为一代明君。他们为什么离心我不太清楚，但这离心对我而言也许比宁弈凤知微离心更心酸。可能是辛子砚为了让宁弈成为储君甚至愿意让深爱的大花二花及未出生的小孩牺牲，反而宁弈为了母妃和身旁所爱的人，为了心中的正值可以放弃储君的机会。差别就是辛子砚的方法是用正规路线走向王位（不要什么御史台、自贬成为绊脚石），一路上两个人要舍弃一些情一些义，但都是为了以后坐上宝座后可以用得来的力量把错的变对。也许是这思想处事的方法太不一样，没办法挽回这段珍贵的友谊。因为到最后宁弈也用自己的方法成了储君，但辛子砚已然心寒。

对于辛子砚，为了大局，有些好人可以不救，有些坏事可以不理，因为除非赌上生命和以后的梦想这些人和事是解决不了的。而对于宁弈他所看到的每一个歪事，他一定不能昧着良心，就算不自量力也要全力以赴。可见的这等思想上差异，至少在戏剧里是可以分散最亲的朋友。

但如若宁弈没有如此极端的赤子之心，辛子砚当初会如此毫无挽留地相信他，扶持他吗？而凤知微又会如此一生倾慕与宁弈吗？