"Are We Our Memories?"

 (I dread writing this piece post. I had great visions of how it was going to be structured and the mood it will convey, but I had forgotten some of them now - the irony, and it isn't going to be as great as I envisioned it anymore, even if I write exactly what I would have. I wouldn't know, because I don't remember.)

This is a question my lecturer asked the class when I took the course on learning and cognition back in university. The question stayed at the back of my mind all these years, because of the absurdity it suggested to me then. Do you mean people who have dementia are not who they were anymore? It seemed callous and cruel. Of course, he meant nothing malignant by that question, merely as an icebreaker to a cerebral topic on a lazy Thursday afternoon. Yet the question comes back to haunt me periodically.

For example, when my boss, a tall strong Scottish-German man of forty years old, highly intellectual and conversational, who has no fear of anything - COVID, death, illness, retirement, judgement alike, all these saw a momentary sadness that took over his face when mentioned to him, but like a switch they left him, and his face returned to normal after five seconds. It was a formality, a politeness process to show grief to those grieving so to speak. It wasn't like he was devastated or anything. The only thing that puts him at a loss, that he can't seem to recover from, is when we talk about so-and-so's grandparent who keep forgetting his grandchildren's names, or keeps repeating the same thing over and over again. To this he exclaims with near-horror, "It is like their mind is just gone, gone! They are left just a shell of who they were." He has no answer in terms of facing this, his expression tells that this is one of the worst thing that could happen to someone, utterly devastating and no way to come back from. 

There was once I took a train from Manchester to Sheffield. I sat beside an untidy-looking man with a head of white hair. We sat at a table, us two facing two other people, whom I have no recollection of. He told me a lot of things on the journey there and changed my view of him. Nearing every stop along the way, he would jot down the time when we pass by a particular pole, perhaps to check the time taken to travel to each stop. He told me he used to write papers on the railway system in England. The tunnel on the way from Manchester to Sheffield was the longest in England. He wrote a paper to suggest that the Eurostar run from Manchester to London to Paris, and how much time it would save, and how much more convenient, but eventually as we know that that didn't go through. He talked steadily at intervals. I grew fascinated. My lack of responses, other than the 'ooh' and 'I see', due to the lack of knowledge on the matter did not hinder him. I believe he was hard of hearing too, with a device in his ear. He spoke gently with grace and patience, like a teacher would to his favorite students. Except we were strangers. He was obviously an intellect of some sort in his prime, and his passion on his work did not quite fade after retirement. Which brought him onto this train in his old age, scribbling away and chatting to strangers, reliving the grandeur of the knowledge he acquired in the days of his youth. I was reluctant to sit beside this old man at the beginning of the train ride who looked too eager, and I was so glad I did by the end of it. His mind was preserved, although outwardly he was wasting away. 

I sat beside a brown young man on my first ever work trip on the flight in 2019. It was a long flight so naturally we began chatting mid-way. Did we ask each other's names? Not sure. The part of the conversation became memorable when he described that the Wi-Fi was first invented for communication use in space. I didn't know that and was fascinated. Then he talked about the advancement of AI and how soon, amongst other developments, he thinks humans might be able to live forever. I thought he was out of his mind. He explained, there may come a time when technology is able to download all the thoughts and memories that a person ever had in his/her lifetime from their brains onto a machine. The machine will be able to be maintained by electricity and their families will be able to talk to them and have them respond as they would if they were here in the flesh. "But that is not the same," I exclaimed. We are humans, how are we just our thoughts and memories? Is there nothing to be said for the body, soul and spirit? He shrugged and asked me to think about it. A couple of years later in 2023, I started following a random science media guy on Instagram. He was brown and explained difficult and popular science topics in simple language and with illustrations. He has a leaning towards AI topics and is quite up-to-date on the topic, what with the latest ChatGPT competitor released by Google. I am not sure if he is the person I met on the flight, but I will keep the possibility alive. 

Are we our memories is a difficult question to grapple with. On one hand I think we are more than that. Reading 'The Courage to be Disliked' showed that there is value to a society for every individual in being, not just in doing. On the other hand, it is hard to recognize someone when their memories are gone, how do you hold them down and tell them they are still who they are in that situation.

Applying Principles from One Sphere to Another

Had this lightbulb moment while driving. But I dread to write it. Because as people say, writing takes a long time. Sometimes your ideas suck, and you have to have the bravery to press the delete button. I do not have to do it because this is blogspot. Told myself I will, WILL, finish this in 7 minutes. As of now, two mintues have passed. HA-

ANYWAYS. The tldr version is I think people can apply the rules that they learnt/familiarised with in one aspect of life, in other areas of life. I for example, know what it means to do a good job at work. I know the precise moment, or the precise list of tasks that I need to tick off for that project to be in a good enough shape to be sent off to my managers. I also know the list of things that are nice to have but do not need to be done for it to be a good job, if they are all done maybe that would be called perfect instead. So I do not struggle in this sense at work, to decipher between what is considered a well done job and not. 

On the other hand, I suck at this in general at other things in life. Finances, friendships, developing skills, working out. There always seems to be too many things to juggle at any one point of my adult life. Dropping any of the balls seem to disqualify me from the living a good life bracket, and juggling all of them just seems insurmountable. Hence I lie down, metaphorically. I helplessly juggle a little everyday, thinking before I even start that it was a failure already. I cannot seem to cut the list down, because in my mind anything short of that is imperfect, and not worth accomplishing.

Therefore it dawned on me that if I take the same approach to managing life tasks bar work, the same as I approach each project at work, I might be better at it, and not feel so tired and helpless every other week. Exactly the same rules, figure out a point where things are good, not perfect and strive at it and maintain it, until I have the capacity to do more. 

I got excited. Perhaps other people can benefit from thinking like this too. They may not have the same familiarity for the rules of work that I have, but they almost certainly do for at least one aspect of their lives, they must have figured out the rules to win at it pretty well. They can just apply it to the other aspects that they are struggling with, and voila! Everybody might feel a little better.

I have a suspicion some already think like this. For example, MBTIs. It is essentially the study of how people think about/react to the same situation. Some people think about it intellectually more, some feel more, some are more spontaneous, some plan ahead. I am no expert in MBTIs, in fact I am not sure which I am! Knowing that a situation is one and the same, but people see and relate to it in different ways, can reframe our mind and redefine the meaning of success to be a little more achievable. In the same way, knowing the way to game an industry can be applied to another sphere of life is also highly encouraging. 

Mini Dump on All Sorts of Thoughts

Should you date someone not your type?

Google results say absolutely. In fact, your shot at happiness dwindles dramatically if you don't. 

Should you date someone for dating experience, even though you don't think  you will work long term?

Google results say, yes can be good to gather data if and only if the other person is fully aware. They can treat it as practice too.

Recipe for a good script

Answer from thoughts on the drive back home from work. 

1. A solid background/foundation idea/thread which forms the backbone of the film, the big idea, the first thing people say when asked about what the movie is about. 
2. An emotional theme overlaid on the first point. This is the first thing people remember about your film, how it made them feel - it is manufactured, so pick something strong and manufacture it fully. 
3. The perfect execution - how dialogues, or the lack of, props, graphics, the tone the color of the film - all these to bring to life the first two points. 
4. These can be upgraded by a fourth and last element: a good plot twist near the end which is hinted at at the beginning, subtle enough not to be picked up until revealed, but memorable enough to be remembered.

Two show come to mind. First the Amy Adams film about aliens. The premise of human learning alien language is prevalent and primary - it is the foundation on which the film stands on. A fresh idea compared to the same old of many alien movies too, which helps. This is overlaid by the story of love and loss between the leads and their child, and the difficulty of the situation which calls the viewer's morality into question. The execution is great, you remember the movie being silent and grey, which is the whole vibe of the film. The plot twist has a standing ovation from me.

The second is Scarlet Hearts. The background is a modern woman being transported back in time and experiences the Chinese imperial dynasty life (stems from an old drawing which featured an insignificant woman in the background, apparently. How romantic.) The emotional part was again love and loss between humans - what one wants may not be. The execution was great with the songs and scenery on point, full of colors alluding to the extravagance of a bygone era. 

Be Melodramatic Pointu

Ep 1    Love story that ends with ILY does not mean a happy ending, and vice versa.

            How three women and one man came to stay together.

Ep 2    

Ep 3    We shouldn't easily give up on opportunities at this age.

            I should annoy him/her.

            Precise people are nice people. Doing what is normal is difficult.

            40:00 The speech given by Somin's manager is hard to argue against. Polite but expresses                             upsetness.

            I don't know. I don't know.

            Drunk. Drunk

Ep 5    Very good. Worth rewatching. I like the pink checkered shirt the FL wore. 

            Also, the quotes and observations about love in the conversations that sound effortless are                           masterpieces.

            The plot twist between Hayun and Gong Myong is good.

Two Dreams

 I had two dreams back-to-back last night. I couldn't wake up and start writing or typing in the middle of the night with my family asleep beside me. So I tried to train my synapses to remember the first one at least by going over it in my head. It was clear at the time, so clear I doubted if I can forget it. But lo and behold, I remember not one thing from the first one, save the feeling so epic that this could be a superb script with all its unexpected twists. The second one I didn't bothered remembering however I remember one picture from it.

The main character was walking along a busy street, trying to make herself as small as possible, eyes darting to the left and right to see if anyone notices her with fear. People walked by and stood at street corners as they do on a normal afternoon, chatting or silent. Even though people behaved so normally, a sickening worry lingered in her gut. Is this true that no one is watching her or are all these a bluff, a cover?

A purple spider lady walked by briskly and turned the corner to a small alley, and disappeared. She busted open a wooden door, which opened up into a large war room full of bustling activity. People were walking in and out many different doors at the same time, reporting something which gets written on the wall and then briskly leaving. Workers sat as such as in a movie theatre seating were arranged neatly, each looking into a monitor. The purple lady sighed and heaved heavily into a large swivel chair at the end of the room, elevated facing the wall. "She knows," she sighed with a note of defeat in her tone, and filled in the Slot on the wall 33784. The high wall everyone is looking at, or is looking at everyone is filled with such series numbers, each representing a time and angle which watches the main character. Almost all the normal-looking passerby-s are casual spies, noting what they saw on the wall through one of the monitor workers. Together this wall paints a picture of the timeline the main character realises anything, because her changes in expression and movements are all recorded. 

Love languages

 I realised my love language today. All of a sudden, when I was washing dishes after dinner.

My top tier love language is quality time. For example with my parents. 

Second tier is words. For example my brothers. They squirm a little when I spend extended amount of time with them alone. Words are cringe-y to them too, but at least they are fast, or silent (text). They struggle in my clutch until their cheeks are dusted with some positive stardust from the words, and I let them go, and they run away. 

Third tier sounds terrible so let's just say last but not least. Gifts. Gifts require the least amount of effort and time, and this can be easily masked as long as you are willing to spend enough. This is ironic coming from a cheapskate like me. But it is true, beware when I stop sending long birthday messages, and instead give you nice gifts. 

Spending time with most people generally feels like work. I wonder if there is only ever a handful of people in each season of your life you can lounge on couch and roll around the carpet in the presence of and not feel conscious of wasting their time? 

So it might sound arrogant but if you were to enter my life as one of these people, I have to ask: what are you offering in exchange for the discomfort of initiating you into this category? Are you blood, a crush or a sheep? Justify why I should spend time, money and effort, sitting at a cafe strewn with glorious sunshine smiling at you. 

Sunken Cheeks

I try to relax my face. My cheeks sunk as I look emotionlessly at the mirror. Two puffs of flesh rest at both edges of my lips. 

When I was younger, I wondered why the aunties always had a hollow blank look on their faces. It was as if their souls, together with their faces were drawn long by bad news. More often than not, they smile brightly the next minute, talking to other aunties about their day. But when no one else was looking, their faces revert back to the hollow look, slightly sunken cheeks and emotionless eyes, their whole face not unlike the shape of a gourd. 

Now I know that is their neutral look. Wearied by a thousand bright smiles and tears, their faces no longer bounce back to a taut expectant look of a child. This is their look of neutrality, as they twitch their brows and smack their lips through the day to shake off the stiffness of a smile imprinted into the shape of their faces. This is their look of sereneness and relaxation. 

I lightly pushed up the flesh at the edge of my lips using my index fingers. Who would have thought? 28 years is enough to make a person grow old.