Let me mourn for the end of my one-sided love.
How wonderful he is
He speaks with grace
He openly expresses his desire and willingness to spend time just to chat with people multiple times, it is not always he gets a wholesome yes and amen, but he keeps doing it.
When someone says something theologically wrong, he nudges them to the right direction by asking gentle questions.
He is humble, funny, wise and gentle, I honestly see no flaw in him, what a privilege it would be to date someone like him.
I think what makes him even more attractive is that you can see a shadow of ego, anger and impatience in him when we chat as a group. You can see he thinks something that everyone else is thinking and it is probably easier to point out the obvious but hurtful thing, but he considers the situation and says something else which is the more encouraging and less belittling way to speak.
There are some little things which irks me, but if he is at level 5, I am at level -99, so they are not even worth mentioning because they pale in comparison to what a wholesome being he is.
How it is clear he is not interested in me
He would not text me
He does not keep looking
How we are not a match in reality
"Only a mountain would know the core of another mountain" reads a Facebook post.
Moreover, he articulates his thoughts well and he always has interesting thoughts. I struggle to come up with good points for discussion in chats and I articulate myself poorly 8/10 times, I believe it would frustrate him too.
Therefore, I do not think I would be able to share his burdens even as a friend. I am not on par with the person he is, although all I want is for him to lean on me in his problems, I cannot offer advice or help that he would need. I am coming to terms with this reality.
How I have changed over the course of this five months
They say you mirror the people you like.
People may say it is a fling, an infatuation. It could be. But the fact that the feelings remained over eight months and I still can't get over him totally hopefully speaks volume on my sincerity.
I would in fact rather not feel this way at all if I could help it because it pains me and makes me feel unattractive, as others who went through this must also have felt. Maybe a lesson is to recognize my place and look only at people in my league?
It seems sad to do this as I am sort of a dreamer but if it is the right thing to do, let me try to find my way through the crowd.
I have spread my dreams under your feet
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams
W. B. Yeats
(this poem makes an appearance again)
He is a great guy, whoever gets him finds a treasure, I truly hope he can be happy. I am heartbroken but I commit it to the Lord anyway because He does not despise it.
