Happy

 Happy that Tim is talking to me more these two days. He showed me his new game Death Stranding on the TV. It was nice.

Museum Documentary

 Watching "This is a Robbery: The World's Biggest Art Heist" on Netflix on a Sunday afternoon. Aunty Song Thai's memorial service was yesterday. Today is Mother's day. It is still COVID-19.

The documentary was on the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum. The museum was built in 1800s, it was Gardner's life work. She decorated the place, and got blind children in to test the acoustics because she did not want people to see the place before it finished. The guards said it was a treat when they got called to work night shift at the museum. To look at the arts and linger in the rooms when they did their rounds. I thought hmm that is a great feeling. I never had enough time to look at everything at any museum I went to. Manchester's Museum of Arts, Museum of Science, Oxford's Museums and the London Museum. It is either I got bored when I went along and feel like I could use my time better somewhere else, or I was with someone else who was bored before I was. But the beauty and grandeur of museums more often than not fascinates me. Some of my friends laugh at me for my fascination with museums (visiting museums when we travel) and some for my lack of knowledge about arts and museums. So watching this documentary makes me feel like I was in a museum (at least in the very beginning). So I thought, hmm it would be a nice part-time job to work at a museum. I am attracted to the idea of knowing something well, even if it is just a small thing. And things at museums were usually knowledge important enough to be displayed. And I would have all the time at work to learn about this specific knowledge that this building is guarding. 

It is a good feeling. 

I feel like a disappointing dish of Braised Pork

 There are topical friends, 'friends' connected by a topic. Who had known each other through talking on a specific topic, and know almost nothing else about each other's lives. 

Then there are friends who know you through the passing of time spent together, albeit a short few years. You know the personal details about their lives, family, aspirations and personalities. But you probably don't know their take on different topics, say the meaning of life, or the right way to butter one's bread.

And then there are those connected by blood; cousins siblings. 

Today a cousin I invited on an errand/shopping trip gave me the vibes that she didn't not want to spend the day with me doing boring stuffs. Meaning. She didn't dislike it, else she wouldn't have come, but she didn't say she wanted to come either. Made me feel a little awkward. A little embarrassed. But like me, I always cover embarrassment in the first instance, whether it is mostly felt by me or the other person (I read the air and presume). I quickly made a passing comment and moved on. She passed on dinner as well, wanting to leave earlier than what I planned. But oh wells, what can I say. 

My brother, I feel like I was trying to make conversation with him and it is always one-sided, unless if he needed anything. I brought him out for korean braised pork today, he was disappointed because it tasted like something we could buy from a chap fan store. Well, I think it is good enough for me, maybe I should have managed expectations better (but why on earth would I, for a dinner with my sibling). But can I just say, I picked him up, drove him there, looked for directions to the place (the mall was big), bought him a mask, paid for the parking ticket. I mean he should have at least offered to do any one of these things, but he didn't. The only thing he did was to ask for the waiter to tapao food, and to carry to tapau bag, both at my prompting, the latter with a snicker almost! I was super pissed but what can I say, it will only lead to a fight and him clamping up.

I felt super alone today, especially during the moment when my cousin said she didn't want in on dinner and when she rushed off towards the end of our shopping trip. And also when it was so difficult to ask my brother to do simple things like carry the tapau bag, or clear the dining table he used. I was with someone the whole day, but like Queen sang 'no escape from reality', there is no escaping the reality that I was alone and sad. 

I guess things that would have made it better was if my cousin told me she didn't want to come at all today, it wouldn't be such a blow to my pride, that she subtly didn't care to spend time together and probably think I was boring and frugal (we looked at clothes and I thought a lot of them were expensive, but I was just window shopping anyway). I wish my brother would volunteer to do simple stuff, or if he doesn't want to bear the mental burden, then at least do what I ask him to good-naturedly. I really hate needing to craft conversations with him beforehand about chores in case he gets impatient. I also wish he would tell me if he disagrees with me, maybe we can talk it out gently, instead of him doing it grudgingly. 

I really want to invest in people who doesn't invest back or at least appreciate it. Maybe I should use all these effort and time used to invest in unrequited relationships for 'selfish' means; to do what I want to do, work towards the future, do something I am passionate in, invest in a weird hobby, all to make myself a more interesting or wholesome person. In that way, I can more naturally attract people to reciprocate a relationship with me, I don't need to beg or be tossed away. 

Current state of mind

I am writing down my current state of mind.

Knowledge about God

My current Christian community enjoys discussing difficult questions. They venture into Greek and Hebrews to understand the Scriptures correctly. They read Christian books for mature collective wisdom on tackling topics such as friendship, God's will and marriage. I hate thinking about difficult things if wiser people have thought about it and did not come to a conclusion. I also heard that people who looked into it deeply lost their faith. And I did not want the responsibility that comes with knowledge, to inform and correct. I just rather not. I know people close to me have questions about these topics, so do I, but we just avoid it, fearing the more we know, the less we would believe. But maybe being among this group of people, it is a good opportunity to think about these topics, however far I can go, so I can at least have some sort of framework when one day people dearest to me ask. This gives me the value and purpose to continue staying in my current cell group. 

Against church leaders

I dislike the demeanor with which my church leaders preach. The using of the word 'you' instead of 'us' when probing us to repent from sins. I have not really seen how they live their lives unlike what I (think I) saw in Platt, most likely because of the pandemic lockdown. And it is harder for me to be committed to a church where I don't really like the leaders. But my friend Ange and I discussed, and I know it is probably my sin. So I will keep it to myself and try to work it out.

Valentine's Day

Today is Valentine's day and I have no date. Instead, I went to Starbucks and read a book while having a Venti hot Mocha. It was good. I have not been reading for a long time. Going out to read really helped me to stick to it without having the option to turn on the TV. Reading really made me feel good, like I was a learned person. But the art of reading is to hold on to what is essential, and forget what is not essential and I understand I have not mastered that.

Language

I would like to sign up for either a Korean or Japanese class online. In fact I have been wanting since March last year. But I was first hesitant because of the cost, thinking I could save a lot of money by self-learning, and then after that because of my lack of confidence. I tried to do the Korean test which the academy sent me, thinking I could ace it. But it was on grammar and four-pages long. I couldn't do it. I feel upset and disappointed and could never seem to finish it. I have been learning so long, although intermittently, it is really a blow on my pride. It seemed to be the only thing that I could do easily at least at the beginning. Now it is too hard for me.

Other things

I need to settle my insurance by this weekend, think of something to send to Fel, and try to read more science or apply for science jobs. My window for going back into science is closing with the years post-graduation growing. I also need to clean out Tim's room, wash all my clothes (bed bugs), dry clean Tim's suit (which I have left for A YEAR). Hopefully I can clean out the fridge and read up more on my current job knowledge too. I feel stressed, so I run to TV all the time. If there is a thing called runaway climate change, this is runaway everyday stress.