Current state of mind

I am writing down my current state of mind.

Knowledge about God

My current Christian community enjoys discussing difficult questions. They venture into Greek and Hebrews to understand the Scriptures correctly. They read Christian books for mature collective wisdom on tackling topics such as friendship, God's will and marriage. I hate thinking about difficult things if wiser people have thought about it and did not come to a conclusion. I also heard that people who looked into it deeply lost their faith. And I did not want the responsibility that comes with knowledge, to inform and correct. I just rather not. I know people close to me have questions about these topics, so do I, but we just avoid it, fearing the more we know, the less we would believe. But maybe being among this group of people, it is a good opportunity to think about these topics, however far I can go, so I can at least have some sort of framework when one day people dearest to me ask. This gives me the value and purpose to continue staying in my current cell group. 

Against church leaders

I dislike the demeanor with which my church leaders preach. The using of the word 'you' instead of 'us' when probing us to repent from sins. I have not really seen how they live their lives unlike what I (think I) saw in Platt, most likely because of the pandemic lockdown. And it is harder for me to be committed to a church where I don't really like the leaders. But my friend Ange and I discussed, and I know it is probably my sin. So I will keep it to myself and try to work it out.

Valentine's Day

Today is Valentine's day and I have no date. Instead, I went to Starbucks and read a book while having a Venti hot Mocha. It was good. I have not been reading for a long time. Going out to read really helped me to stick to it without having the option to turn on the TV. Reading really made me feel good, like I was a learned person. But the art of reading is to hold on to what is essential, and forget what is not essential and I understand I have not mastered that.

Language

I would like to sign up for either a Korean or Japanese class online. In fact I have been wanting since March last year. But I was first hesitant because of the cost, thinking I could save a lot of money by self-learning, and then after that because of my lack of confidence. I tried to do the Korean test which the academy sent me, thinking I could ace it. But it was on grammar and four-pages long. I couldn't do it. I feel upset and disappointed and could never seem to finish it. I have been learning so long, although intermittently, it is really a blow on my pride. It seemed to be the only thing that I could do easily at least at the beginning. Now it is too hard for me.

Other things

I need to settle my insurance by this weekend, think of something to send to Fel, and try to read more science or apply for science jobs. My window for going back into science is closing with the years post-graduation growing. I also need to clean out Tim's room, wash all my clothes (bed bugs), dry clean Tim's suit (which I have left for A YEAR). Hopefully I can clean out the fridge and read up more on my current job knowledge too. I feel stressed, so I run to TV all the time. If there is a thing called runaway climate change, this is runaway everyday stress.