Wonder of the Stars

That's her name.

Today we had leftover hotpot food after our sleepover last night, and we talked about housemate problems. The topic of the time Stars and I were housemates in Manchester came up.

"I have said it so many times, and even wrote a note with a middle finger on it."

I was very surprised. I never knew she was so unhappy with us not cleaning the stove-top after use. When I asked her why didn't she let me know back then that she was so unhappy about it, she said the above statement. During uni, it never crossed my mind that someone should put her foot down on a particular place in the house to be clean but not be as strict everywhere else, and totally thought of it as a joke. In my memory, the handwriting on the note was scrawly and ugly, like it was meant for a joke. The middle finger, she said back then was drawn by Housemate A. She herself even clarified then that the finger was a fourth finger, not the middle finger. Years later, I still brought it up as a joke in memes on insta, saying her favorite chore was to clean the stove-top. Only until today, when she said that seriously out loud did I realise- she meant it. She said she told us many times, but the strongest memory I have of her telling us that, was ever only in passing, and thereby forming a faint memory as I did not know it mattered so much to her. 

"I always threw the rubbish. It was me so many times. After doing it continuously for a few times, I gave up and stopped caring like everyone else."

Funny, because in my memory I felt that way too. That it was always me and then I stopped caring. I did not tell her that today, because if she felt that way then, she felt that way, and I should understand. I said instead, I wished she told me at that time, it would have been so helpful to set rules if more than one person wants things to be clean. She (and others present) said she shouldn't have needed to say anything, it should have been common sense. I also added that our house (or rather I) did try to do the tick-when-you-throw system, she laughed sarcastically, saying it never worked. Even if we went back in time, how could we have solved this problem, when the only solution offered was not supported, and no one else offered any other solutions?

(Refute this: She never mentioned that I was good at throwing out rubbish too, truly I never remembered that she was good at throwing out rubbish until she said today, but I accept that if that is what she remembers. How can she expect people to know that she is throwing continuously, when she herself did not realize I was doing the same? On the top of my head, I only ever not throw when the bin outside is full, or when I think Housemate A has been throwing very few times lately.)

I said: "I am very glad we still maintained as good friends after staying together as housemates. Do you remember people warning us that good friends shouldn't live together..."

She said: "Exactly, many people said that. That is why I did not stay with YN."

The Inside-Me jumped back in shock, but Outside-Me did not change in expression, my stare on her just lingered for few extra seconds. I thought of her as a good friend, our circle of friends here in KL (my only circle) the best friends I have now. I believe a word spoken impromptu reveals true feelings. Today I know we are not good friends. I dared not covet best friends titles in life generally, but good friends I think people can have quite a few. Apparently I did not make that cut. I have always thought she was colder to me than others in all our previous circles up till now, but I always blamed my boring self for that. (I have heard from a crush and a cousin that I was boring and I accepted that, though I hated being told that.) I told myself, of course people wouldn't voluntarily chat, or enjoy spending time one-to-one with boring people, I tried not to mind it, I can still believe she is trying her best to be good friends though she cannot stand my dullness. 

I was very hurt, and struggled immediately to smooth things over so things would not be awkward in the conversation. She offered no smoothing, no apology, no clarification. Only a wide eye indicating she may have spoken carelessly. She may have been looking at me more after that when we chatted, but unless you say something, I cannot unthink what I heard. She did not try to salvage the moment. Which meant we were never good friends. What imagination, what wasted affections. I recalled that Seanny mentioned to me once that ZX (another friend in the circle) 'guessed she was close friends with me' when asked. It was obvious he was trying not to hurt me but wants to make sure I know that maybe others don't think of me as I do them. I struggled to respond to him that time too, as I was upset. And in this case, I was closer than Stars than to ZX. A tear rolled down after they left. 

Today is the first day after CMCO. Today is also the day I decided to give up being imaginary good friends with this circle.

Don't get me wrong, I sent them off amicably.

I would have tried to make amends to Stars after today's conversation about cleanliness as I did not know how she felt. But hearing that we were never good friends woke me up. She was a great friend, for sending flowers when she could not attend my graduation and sending a cake during my birthday. But unfortunately she does not think of me as dearly as I do her. And it is high time I came to terms with it. I should not try to bend over backwards to achieve something that is not meant to be. 

As for my other friends in the circle, there were always passing remarks in our group hinting that I wanted to chat with them more than the other way round. I did want to chat with them very much. They were my closest friends. I tried not to think they don't think the same way in the past. But if they do not feel the desire to call me up, if they have friends to visit every weekend and I am just one of them, maybe these friendships are not worth investing in as much as I thought. I invested in a sense that in my mind, they will remain my closest friends, no matter which circle I go into moving forward, they have a special place in my heart. I also invested in gestures. I did not mention it to them, but I cleaned my house for a day and a half before they came to sleepover, even though they never confirmed if they were going to stay the night. (ZX only told me she was not going to stay over when she arrived. She was the one to suggest it in the first place.) My right arm ached when I slept because of all the cleaning, but I still washed all the dishes that night after hotpot and early the next morning, though washing dishes was not my hobby, I said to myself as I did it, it was unto the Lord, and I was serving my friends. If caring for a friend is absorbing the difference between what actually happened in your view and what friends see, it is a painful punch to absorb, and I cared a hell lot (see References for examples). 

I shall put these still wonderful beings, but who sadly could not reciprocate my desire for closeness, into the category of 'good time friends'. I will not be initiating more chats/events from this point forward, they are welcome to my house if they need a place to hang, but we should preferably hang out outside as I need to clean before and after they come (obvs they don't offer to sweep and mop). I will give as much as I receive. This sounds contrary to the Bible but it is what I think is best at this moment, (dear God please renew my mind if I am going down the wrong way). I am choosing to find valuable things to invest time and life into, instead of hanging to see if they will one day turn around and be appreciative. 

References (examples): 

1. Prior to hotpot day, I asked did not pushed for people to confirm whether they are staying over AND cleaned anyway because I don't want them to feel like forced. I sacrificed 1.5 days for what they could easily go to waste by saying 'no' on the day of. If we are keeping track of things to know by common sense without needing to say anything, this will be on it. 

2. I knew I could lead the conversation so that they say I am a cleaner person now than before, but I did not because I know they enjoy making fun of me being messy while in uni. They did not compliment on how my house is cleaner, but made jokes out of expired foods in the fridge. They don't have the slightest idea even now that I am annoyed because I did not want them to be uncomfortable.

3. With regards to point 2, CW was not super clean in uni as well; the stairs in her house was full of hair, but I never brought it up no matter how many times she mentioned me and my messy ways because I know it will hurt her pride.