when we were younger, don't we always dread the time far away, when our loved one is incapable of moving, and we are bound to care for them? most children turn their mind-eyes away and try not to think about how they could avoid the situation. but i belong to the kind that cannot allow the coward in my heart to grow, i open my eyes and writhe with fear until i accustom to the reality.
until the day i stood behind kakak who was wiping my bedridden grandma's poo, and then stepped up to help change grandma into new diapers after applying medicine to her pressure sores. until then, i realise the smell ain't so bad, the sight of my naked grandma ain't so scary after the first few times. the difficult part was looking into grandma's eyes after dressing her, seeing her look away or close her eyes because of shame/embarrassment(? only God knows), smiling with my widest smile and telling her it is okay when you know a million things isn't. seeing her clutch to her clothes because she didn't want her grandchildren doing for her what she could have done herself when she was better was agonizing.
and with a whiff it is all over, and we are quickly left with memories and grandma dancing in and our of our minds.
it would have been easy to crumble with the shaking, but not when you fall back into hope.
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