Estranged

Staring at the seventh page of 'The Rosenberg File', I wonder why am I not working hard.

First, why would I want to work hard? To gain success and earn money, to please God. But does success and money really please God? If they do not, why do I do it? If in both writing my assignment and watching BTS on YouTube, God loves me the same, why don't I just watch videos? Isn't working hard in something giving a chance for someone to say I am not focusing on God but on my work too much and I should repent and do less of it? At least, that is often the case of what I see when successful Christian people are perceived and confronted by others. If all these working hard talk is just a way for God to draw people into things, make them committed to them, and tearing them out of what they are used to at the end, then isn't it better if I don't fall into it in the beginning?

Because surely when one works hard in something, his heart and mind must be, to a certain extent, committed to it, to learn about it, persevere in researching it over and over again, not giving up when it fails until he accomplishes his goal in that industry. Surely, surely God and all Christian people know this sheer effort of working hard needs commitment of time, energy and interest. How then can it be expected that successful Christian people not be less passionate or knowledgeable about the Bible than non-working Christians, because their passions and time are divided? It is not saying that non-working Christians are less respected but that each has its job, one to work hard in this world and another in the God-things in life, both with God at the centre of their lives. Surely the latter cannot criticise the former for caring too much for the world, for wanting to excel in this world? Because otherwise, no one would be excited to work hard.

Contradicting questions in my mind exposed. Lord I believe, help my unbelief.
There is something, choking my heart and then my throat. Help!; for I cannot wriggle out of this web myself.